Blessed Beyond Measure: Friend Edition

One of the service prompts for the Light the World initiative this year was to post on social media about an influential friend or friends. I'm not on social media very often, but it occurred to me recently that I could post here!

I wouldn't be able to pick just one friend to highlight. I am blessed to have many good friends, several of whom I've known since childhood. I intend to name a few (and hopefully I can keep it to just a few, or this post would go on forever!). :)

I'm grateful for Kiera, who's been one of my best friends since kindergarten. She was and continues to be a powerful spiritual influence on my life -- in addition to being a whole lot of fun! Kiera's example and observations were so influential in helping me start to recognize the voice of the Spirit. I'm grateful for her spiritual sensitivity and also for her bottomless well of forgiveness in the times I wasn't the greatest friend.

I'm grateful for Summer, who became a good friend the first year Kiera and I weren't in the same school class. We became a trio, and I so appreciate her kindness and love.

I'm grateful for Sara, K.T., and Mikayla, who are still some of my best friends! Elementary school wouldn't have been the same without them. I love their creativity, kindness, and genuine goodness. All three of them are the kind of people who just want to do the right thing, and the world is better for it.

I'm grateful for Andrea, Ana, Ashley, Lauren, Mandy, Bree, Jenny, Belle, Aubrey, Joe, Ryan, Connor, and all my other high school friends! We may not be in contact as often as we used to be, but they truly made my high school years happy ones, and I'm better for it. I'm also grateful for Kiera's sister Whitney, who I became much closer to during and after high school (once I started growing out of the "I'm older than you so we can't hang out" phase).

Thank goodness for Jill, Mara, Holly, Lynette, Kelly, Sketti, Ary, and Katelyn. Again, we're not in contact as often as we used to be, but they were the best roommates I could have asked for!

Jennifer deserves her own paragraph. Before Jennifer moved into our apartment, I was surviving on cereal, bagels, croutons, and rice. We bonded over food and Korean dramas and never looked back. To this day, she is my "best California friend"! One of the happiest days of my life was attending her wedding to a great, worthy man. She is such a caring, intelligent, thoughtful person and I'm blessed to know her.

I also have many friends whom I met outside of school. Mission friends, the Draper family in California, Francie, Provo Temple baptistry friends and the Yarwood family in Utah are some examples. I connected with the Drapers through music. I connected with Michelle through food and Primary teaching. I love both their families so much.

There are many other people who have touched my life, and I hope to make many more friends as the journey continues. Friends help make life grand. Especially when you're as lucky in your friendships as I am. I wish everyone could have even just one true friend.

The Triangle of Faith

It's the first Sunday of May. Traditionally in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the first Sunday of every month is fast and testimony meeting.

For the fasting part, church members are basically invited to skip two meals and donate what they would have spent to the poor and needy. It's a good opportunity to pray for divine inspiration or help. It's also a private, personal experience and nobody is going to ask you if you did it.

Conversely, testimony meeting is public. During the first hour of church, members are invited to share their thoughts and feelings, or "testimonies," of Jesus Christ. Anyone can walk up to the microphone at the front of the room and share.

Recently, all church meetings have been canceled due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Clayton and I hold our own meetings at home.

I felt the desire to share my testimony today. It's different writing it down instead of talking about it, but that's okay. I've sometimes thought it's easier to express myself in writing anyway.

This week I was reading an article in Ensign magazine that mentioned the "triangle of faith." The author explains the points in the triangle as 1) the Spirit, 2) the scriptures, and 3) the prophets, "especially living ones." A triangle is a strong shape, and working on our personal triangle of faith helps keep us spiritually strong. (Benjamin Hyrum White, "Sherem's Skepticism: The Tactics of a Faith Shaker," Ensign, April 2020)

The triangle of faith imagery appealed to me. But I adapted it a little because I feel the scriptures and the prophets are sort of the same. After all, what are scriptures but the words of prophets written down? To me, it makes more sense for the points in the triangle to be prayer, scriptures (including the words of living prophets), and the Spirit.

As I thought about my personal triangle of faith, I realized that each point has played a significant role in my own relationship with God.

Prayer
I first began to be aware of God at a young age. My parents taught me to pray and took me to Church. I had numerous experiences as a child praying for God's help. Sometimes I was praying for help finding something I'd lost; other times I prayed for help going back to sleep after a bad dream. One time when I was 12 or 13, I remember my bishop asking me how often I prayed and I replied, "Pretty much all the time. I need a lot of help." (If only 12-year-old me knew how much help 27-year-old me was going to need. Nothing has changed, haha.)

These experiences going to a loving Heavenly Father in prayer became a crucial part of the foundation of my relationship with Him.

Scriptures (words of God's prophets, including living ones)
The scriptures, particularly the Book of Mormon, also played a huge role in helping me form a relationship with God. I read it by myself for the first time in 2005, when President Gordon B. Hinckley challenged all church members to read it all the way through by the end of the year.

I've had questions and doubts over the years about certain aspects of the gospel, but there's always one thing I cannot deny: I know the Book of Mormon came from God. I've read it numerous times and prayed to know the truth about its origins. Every time I read it, I feel the Spirit. And the Book of Mormon played such a central role in the formation of my particular religion that if it's true, so is everything else: Joseph Smith was actually a prophet of God, and this is Jesus Christ's New Testament church restored to Earth.

That thought has brought me a lot of peace. I may not understand everything perfectly, but I do know the Book of Mormon is true, which means at least I'm looking for answers in the right place.

The Spirit
Of course, the Spirit is the key to anyone's relationship with God. He often acts as a messenger from God, and one of his many responsibilities is to testify of truth.

The Spirit is sort of like the glue that holds my testimony together; it's how I know the Book of Mormon is true and there is a living prophet of God today. When I pray, the answers or comfort I seek typically come from the Spirit.

I've written about how my testimony has been fundamentally shaped by the Spirit before, and I don't plan to go into it all again. Suffice it to say, I agree with President Harold B. Lee when he said the witness of the Holy Spirit is more powerful than any physical witness humankind could have that there is a loving God in heaven; a Heavenly Father who cares about us and wants us to be happy.

Everyone feels the Spirit differently. For me, I know something is true when it just makes sense; there's just a feeling that it's right. I sometimes also get a tingling warm feeling confirming that it's right.

One of the best things about God is He is no respecter of persons. That means that no matter who you are, He loves you and He will make Himself and His will known to you if you sincerely seek for it. It doesn't always come right away---actually in my experience, it almost never comes right away. God likes it when we take a few actions on our own because that demonstrates our willingness to believe in Him and trust Him. But in His perfect timing, He will eventually answer you. I know because it happened to me.

Because life is hard and inevitably wears me down, I have to continually seek Him through prayer, the scriptures, and the Spirit. I have to remember the experiences I've had with Him in the past as well as have new ones. I think that's the key to keeping our triangle of faith---and our relationship with God---strong.

"Be of Good Cheer"

I teach the four-year-olds at church.

I didn't always love it---trying to teach a bunch of little kids can be like herding cats sometimes---but I've learned that I can be a good teacher even if I don't get through my whole lesson. My most important job is to help these kids feel the love of their Savior, Jesus Christ.

Sometimes that means sitting in a circle telling stories of Jesus. Other times, it means listening to a child talk about how she fell off her bike that week and banged her knee. And there are times it means folding six paper airplanes and having an airplane-throwing contest.

Usually, it means doing a bit of all three.

Today I was supposed to teach about Paul the Apostle's journey to Rome. The lesson manual suggested several excellent principles I could share with the class. There's the fact Paul was a faithful missionary despite being thrown in jail for teaching about Jesus; Jesus' visit to Paul in jail to comfort him; Paul's warning to the Roman centurion not to try sailing to Rome at the late time of year and, when the centurion cast off anyway, the resulting shipwreck; Paul's subsequent instructions to the centurion and soldiers to get everyone to safety and how the Romans' obedience saved their lives.

My normal tactic is to prepare a story or activity about every principle recommended by the manual. But today, I felt impressed to focus only on one: Jesus' visit to Paul.

It's interesting to note that Paul had already suffered many trials while preaching of Jesus. He had been stoned, beaten and imprisoned. Up until this point, each time Paul entered into dangerous circumstances he was delivered in some way. In other words, God took him out of the dangerous circumstance.

But this time was different. When Paul made the decision to return to Jerusalem, he seemed to know his days of freedom were numbered. If I understand correctly, Paul remained in Roman custody until his execution around 64 A.D.

This time, Paul wasn't going to be delivered from danger. Instead, his role was to testify of Jesus Christ in Rome, just as he had testified in many other places. While he was imprisoned in Jerusalem, Jesus visited him during the night. He told Paul, "Be of good cheer, Paul: for as thou hast testified of me in Jerusalem, so must thou bear witness also at Rome." (Acts 23:11)

That phrase, "Be of good cheer," stuck in my mind. I realized I'd read it multiple times in the scriptures:

• When Jesus healed a man sick of the palsy, He said: "Son, be of good cheer; thy sins be forgiven thee. ... Arise, take up thy bed, and go unto thine house." (Matthew 9:2 and 6)
• When Jesus walked on water, He said: "Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid." (Matthew 14:27)
• When Jesus was explaining to His apostles that He was about to die, He said: "In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)
• When Nephi (of Third Nephi) was praying the night before all the Christians were scheduled to be executed by the unbelievers, Jesus told him: "Lift up your head and be of good cheer; for behold, the time is at hand, and on this night shall the sign be given, and on the morrow come I into the world, to show unto the world that I will fulfill all that which I have caused to be spoken by the mouth of my holy prophets." (3 Nephi 1:13)
• In 1831, when missionaries were called to preach the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, Jesus told them, "And now, verily I say unto you, and what I say unto one I say unto all, be of good cheer, little children; for I am in your midst, and I have not forsaken you." (D&C 61:36)
• In 1832, when Joseph Smith was praying about how to run certain affairs in the church, Jesus told him, "Be of good cheer, for I will lead you along." (D&C 78:18)

I felt I needed to focus on those words in my class, so I put information about each "Be of good cheer" story into a bag and had each child pick a paper one by one. I summarized each story and had the children say the words "Be of good cheer" with me. They seemed to like holding up their pictures of smiley faces and saying, "Be of good cheer!"

I love being with those little kids. They help me to be of good cheer, with their happy smiles, energy, and cute comments.

There are hard things in the world. There's a lot of confusion and sometimes even willful rebellion. But even when things seem dark, we can remember the gospel of Jesus Christ and be of good cheer. As Jesus told the Nephites when He visited them as our resurrected Savior:

Behold I have given unto you my gospel, and this is the gospel which I have given unto you—that I came into the world to do the will of my Father, because my Father sent me.

And my Father sent me that I might be lifted up upon the cross; and after that I had been lifted up upon the cross, that I might draw all men unto me ... 

Verily, verily, I say unto you, this is my gospel; and ye know the things that ye must do in my church; for the works which ye have seen me do that shall ye also do; for that which ye have seen me do even that shall ye do;

Therefore, if ye do these things blessed are ye, for ye shall be lifted up at the last day.

--- 3 Nephi 27:13-14, 21-22

My friend Casey

It was one of the first days of January 2018 when I found out that my childhood friend Casey passed away on December 31, 2017. I couldn't bring myself to blog about it then, but I always meant to write a post about him someday.

Casey was a great friend. We grew up across the street from each other. He was five months older than me, but we were in the same grade at school. He was a Christmas baby---his birthday is December 25.

We played together a lot as kids. One of our favorite things to do was make believe we were characters from Star Wars. I was usually the voice, narrating the story as we jumped on his trampoline. We built snow forts together in winter and rode bikes together in summer. He invited me to go fishing and four-wheeling with his family several times. He wanted to be a chef when he grew up, and we cooked together a few times. I still remember the look on his face when I showed him he could bake a potato in the microwave. We were in a few community plays together, took a drawing class together, and played together in the junior high school band for one year.

I have so many good memories of us when we were younger. In junior high school, we started to hang out with different people and began drifting apart. We still hung out occasionally, but not nearly as often. Casey had ADHD, and he struggled in school more than I did. Since I was taking as many honors classes as I could, that meant we weren't in the same classes at school anymore. Pretty soon, the only time I knew I could count on seeing him was on our walk to and from the bus stop.

I don't like losing touch with people, and I remember being upset that we were growing apart but not really knowing what to do about it. It was so much easier to just hang out with my other friends. It seemed like we had more in common and they were more available. I still tried to hang out with Casey sometimes, but we'd grown out of make-believe and it felt harder to find things to do.

Going to high school made it even harder to maintain our friendship. He went to the local high school. I went to a public charter school that gave me an opportunity to earn my associate's degree and my high school diploma simultaneously. Our schedules were radically different, and we lost that precious time walking to and from the bus stop. I still cared about him, but we rarely spent time together.

Finally, I came up with what seemed like the perfect excuse to hang out, and in our junior year, I asked him if he would take me to my school prom. He said yes.

I looked forward to that night so much. We went out to dinner and then got on the freeway to go to the dance. He asked if I'd ever broken 100 mph in a car before. I said no, and with a wide smile, he gave me that experience. When we arrived at the dance, however, he started to feel sick to his stomach. We never even went in; we had to turn around and go home. As he stopped in my driveway, he turned to me and said regretfully, "Let's do this again sometime---but next time, let's maybe not go to prom."

We never did go on another date. That was the year Casey dropped out of school. The next years of his life included a pattern of drug abuse. He'd be drug-free for a while, then relapse. He was booked into the county jail a few times on charges of possession of illegal drugs and drug paraphernalia. The first time he was incarcerated, he tried to call me. At the time, I was on my way to a college class. When I heard that an inmate wanted to talk to me, I got kind of freaked out and hung up before the voice recording could tell me who it was. I didn't realize until later that the call was probably from Casey.

He never tried to call me again, but we wrote letters. My roommates were a little alarmed the first time I got a letter postmarked from the county jail, but they got used to it.

I wanted to help Casey, but I didn't know how. His mom was already sending him to rehab. The only thing I could think of to do was share my beliefs with him. He grew up Catholic, so we had a lot of beliefs in common. The most important one was a belief in Jesus Christ as the Savior of the world.

When Casey's older brother Jake died, my heart broke for him. Casey worshipped Jake, and because he was in jail at the time I don't think he was allowed to go to Jake's funeral.

Casey came to visit me once after he got out of jail. We talked for a few minutes about life. He told me about his girlfriend at the time. We promised each other we'd stay in touch, but it was hard to follow through on that promise when I went on my mission.

We didn't talk at all while I was in El Salvador. I don't think I had his email address, and he probably didn't have mine. After my mission, I wrote him a couple times when he was in jail. I watched his house, hoping he would come home. I asked his mom how he was doing whenever I saw her outside. Once, I ran joyfully across the street, only to realize I had mistaken his younger brother Ryan for him.

By December 2017, it had been a long time since I'd talked with Casey, or even any of his family members. Clayton and I had just had our first wedding anniversary. Life was busy, and I no longer lived near Casey's house. I regret that we grew so far apart during junior high school, but find some comfort in knowing how I tried to keep our friendship alive. At the very least, Casey knew I cared.

I think about him often. He was a wonderful person who faced devastating challenges in life. I blame addiction for the overdose that took his life. My heart goes out to anyone who struggles with addiction or who loves someone struggling with addiction.

I don't believe this life is the end. I'll see Casey again. And when I see him, I believe he'll be free from his addiction. Jesus Christ is his Savior, just like He is mine. And just like He is yours.

Starting Again

It's been a while since I felt compelled to add to my blog. There's plenty I could have said, but nothing seemed worth the effort until now. Writing comes from inspiration, and part of inspiration is work--actually sitting down to write and then listening to that inner voice that helps you know what to say.

For the better part of two years, the majority of my mental energy has been tapped to meet the challenges of a difficult job. But ever since I found a new job in November, my reservoir of mental energy has been filling again. Giving me a desire to resume writing, and resume sharing some of that writing here.

As I sit here in my quiet apartment, listening to Paul Cardall's beautiful, serene piano music on Pandora, it occurs to me that "starting again" is the essence of the gospel of Jesus Christ. He is the great Mediator between us and God.

When Christ suffered and died for our sins, He was meeting the demands of justice and creating an opportunity for mercy. Thanks to that act, each day we can start again fresh.

My mom has a saying. "Thanks to Jesus Christ, no bad thing is permanent and all good things can last forever." The bad thing could be an event, like the death of someone we love, or a character weakness, like the inner pride that makes it so hard to change. The good things I usually think of are my family, my friendships, and life's perfect moments.

Christ has redeemed us, and He invites everyone to use His gift to be a little bit better each day--bit by bit until we can actually feel comfortable in the presence of God. That's the ultimate goal of existence--to learn to live in such a way that we are truly Christlike, and can return with our loved ones to the presence of our Heavenly Father.

Choosing Clayton

It’s funny. I had a secret crush on Clayton for a year before he finally asked me out, but after we became boyfriend and girlfriend, my nerves were suddenly wound so tight it was hard to really enjoy dating him. Doubts seemed to flood over me at the most inconvenient moments. Weeks passed before I let him kiss me again. Some days, I felt like I was on cloud nine with him. Other days, I was convinced breaking off the relationship would be better for both of us. I rarely mentioned details of my internal battle because Clayton seemed to have completely fallen for me and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. My decision to marry him evolved through weeks of serious, near-constant reflection.

One night six weeks after our first kiss, we decided to go to a few classes at BYU’s Education Week. There, I learned a principle that changed my life: Love is a choice.

"People talk about love like it's an accident sometimes," said our teacher, Justin Top. "We say, 'I fell in love,' as if we were walking along, tripped and faceplanted into love. But love isn't an accident; it's a choice. It takes effort and sacrifice."

Two days later on Sunday morning, one of the talks in church was about receiving personal revelation. For weeks, I had been praying, asking God if advancing my relationship with Clayton would be a good choice, and it suddenly hit me: God had already answered my prayer. His answer was: “Love is a choice.”

I felt amazing that day. I recognized God had given me an incredible gift: an opportunity to love and be loved by one of the best men I’d ever met. But Sunday passed and doubts crept back in. By Tuesday, I was trudging to the first day of my autumn institute of religion class, thinking once again it would be best to break up. There was only one problem: I couldn’t bear the thought of letting Clayton go. But didn’t he deserve someone who was totally sure she could marry him?

Happily, my inspired religion teacher came to my rescue that day. At the beginning of class, he asked everyone to say their name and one attribute they admired about themselves. I said my name was Jessica and I was an optimist. My teacher smiled at me and commented, “Just like President Hinckley. That’s a good quality.”

It probably didn’t seem like much to him, but to me that remark made a world of difference. As I thought of President Gordon B. Hinckley, I remembered some of his teachings and his optimistic, faith-filled attitude toward life. I realized the fear and anxiety I’d been experiencing as I contemplated marrying Clayton did not come from God, but the strong spiritual experience I’d had on Sunday did. That night I wrote in my class notes, “If I chose optimism, I’d choose Clay.” Since then, I’ve never reconsidered my decision to marry him.

What is love?

I went to a class about finding true happiness at BYU on Aug. 19. The teacher, Justin Top, is a chaplain in the U.S. Navy, and the first thing he talked that day was love.

"People talk about love like it's an accident sometimes," he said. "We say, 'I fell in love,' as if we were walking along, tripped and faceplanted into love. But love isn't an accident; it's a choice. It takes effort and sacrifice."

As my mission president David Glazier once said, "You love what you sacrifice for and you sacrifice for what you love."

Chaplain Top's words have echoed in my ears since I heard them. What is love? Love isn't an accident; it's a choice.

We choose to love. Of course, there will be traits that initially attract us to another person, but since we're all imperfect human beings, inevitably one person will do or say something to upset or annoy the other. The only way love can possibly last is if both people are willing to forgive and work at getting along and improving.

This concept applies to all different kinds of love. Consider the love between a parent and their child, two close friends, or even a pet owner and their animal. Work and sacrifice are both very important parts of the love equation.

Romantic love is even more special because it is one of the primary reasons God created the human race. Consider what the late prophet Howard W. Hunter said:

Life’s greatest partnership is in marriage—that relationship which has lasting and eternal significance. ... It is not good for man nor for woman to be alone. Man is not complete without woman. Neither can fill the measure of their creation without the other (see 1 Cor. 11:11; Moses 3:18). Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God (see D&C 49:15–17). Only through the new and everlasting covenant of marriage can they realize the fulness of eternal blessings (see D&C 131:1–4; 132:15–19).

I believe love should be eternal. That's why God also commands men and women to be faithful to their spouses and why he goes to such effort to teach us how work and sacrifice help make love last for eternity.

After all, what better example do we have of love than Jesus Christ, who out of love for humankind suffered for our sins and sacrificed his life, that we might find mercy and one day live with God again? Jesus' love is eternal, offered to people from every walk of life forever. God's love is also eternal, for he sacrificed his own son so that humankind could find mercy for their sins.