"You don't have to give them back"

Clayton was ready to start having children right from the beginning of our marriage. Ironically, I thought I would be ready... until the time actually came. Then, suddenly, I could think of all sorts of reasons to wait. The biggest thing that held me back was fear. Fear of pregnancy, of childbirth, and of child-raising. I felt so inadequate.

Heavenly Father had the perfect plan for me, though. My first assignment in our new church congregation in Orem was to teach the three-year-olds on Sunday with Clayton, and we had a darling group of kids. The following year I was asked to move up with my class, and I spent the next two years teaching adorable, excitable four-year-olds.

I enjoyed teaching the kids, but it was always a bit of a relief when their parents came to pick them up.

At the same time, I was experiencing the aunt life. When we first got married, Clayton had two nieces and four nephews -- a recipe for "instant aunt." Two of those nephews lived close by. They're darling but super energetic, and as a result, family dinners were usually lively and fun, but super tiring at the same time.

Again, I enjoyed playing with our nephews, but I left most of the running to Clayton and it was always a bit of a relief to go home to our quiet apartment. I often thought how nice it was to be able to give our nephews back after a while.

Long story short, my short, regular interactions with these cute groups of kids gradually helped me overcome my fears and take the leap of faith required to start trying to get pregnant.

Fast forward to this year. Clayton and I had just moved to Reno in November 2020. The sister missionaries were at our house for dinner one night and we got to talking about kids. (I was very pregnant at the time.) One of the sisters had nieces and nephews, and recited something her sister had told her about being a mom: "The best part is, you don't have to give them back."

That phrase really hit me. It touched on one of my lingering fears about having a child -- that Clayton and I wouldn't be able to give him back to his parents when we were tired or when he got fussy because we would be his parents. I didn't know how to address that fear other than to trust that God knew what He was doing, and that He would help me through the hard times.

But now Will is here. And I'm beginning to understand why not having to give them back is a good thing. Just look at that face. You wouldn't want to give that back, either!

Of course, there have already been times when I've wanted a break. Clayton is really good about spotting me in those times -- changing a diaper or bottle feeding Will so I can nap, or taking a turn holding Will when he's fussy. Also, grandparents are angels straight from heaven.

When I see Will smile, though, it's all worth it.