"But tonight, You are mine"

I'm in love.

I've always enjoyed lullaby-type Christmas carols and songs about Mary, the mother of Jesus. I have several favorites, including "Mary's Lullaby" from the Primary Children's Songbook and "Mary, Did You Know?" by Buddy Greene.

I heard a new one last Sunday at our stake (regional church group) Music of Christmas concert. It's called "Mary's Lullaby (Tonight You Are Mine)," by Bertha A. Kleinman and Wanda West Palmer. The vocalist sang with great feeling, and the lyrics touched me deeply.

The mortal birth and death of Jesus Christ were predicted by prophets for centuries. We just read a beautiful description by King Benjamin in the Book of Mormon in our family scripture study:

And lo, he shall suffer temptations, and pain of body, hunger, thirst, and fatigue, even more than man can suffer, except it be unto death; for behold, blood cometh from every pore, so great shall be his anguish for the wickedness and the abominations of his people.

And he shall be called Jesus Christ, the Son of God, the Father of heaven and earth, the Creator of all things from the beginning; and his mother shall be called Mary.

And lo, he cometh unto his own, that salvation might come unto the children of men even through faith on his name; and even after all this they shall consider him a man, and say that he hath a devil, and shall scourge him, and shall crucify him.

Mosiah 3:7-9

Mary would have been taught the prophecies about the Messiah. Surely, she had at least a small glimmer of understanding that the holy child she was chosen to bear was destined to go through unimaginable suffering and pain, not because He deserved it in any way, but because He volunteered before the Earth was formed to perform an atonement for the sins of us imperfect beings. To save us.

I imagine Mary knew this intellectually. But surely, it became incredibly and heartbreakingly more real when Jesus was born. When I think of my own little son and how precious he is to me, and consider how Mary must have felt about Jesus, my respect and admiration for her absolutely explode. She was truly an elect woman.

Back to the song I heard last week. It's written as if Mary were speaking to, or perhaps praying over, Jesus. This is the verse that touched me so deeply (plus the chorus):

Away, spectered future of sorrow and plight.

Away to the years that must follow tonight.

The pangs of Gethsemane, let them be dim;

The red drops on Calvary, not, Lord, for him!

Oh, let me enfold thee, my baby, tonight;

While legions are singing in joyous delight.

A new star has risen to hail thee divine,

For you are a king, but tonight you are mine.

Isn't that powerful? Sometimes we just have to take life one day at a time, and that's what Mary is choosing to do in this lullaby. She knows exactly Whom she's holding in her arms, and she's choosing to enjoy every minute she has with Him.

I'm reminded of my own (sometimes) sleepless nights with Will, holding him and rocking him to sleep. It's tiring for sure, but there's also a sweetness in those early morning hours with a baby in my arms. My baby. A gift and a great responsibility, straight from God.

It's a special time of year to have a new baby boy.

To Will

I thought I was happy when we were just two,

But then we found out we were going to have you!

We had prayed for a child, according to God's will;

With each passing day, we grew more excited still.

The day you were born, suddenly we were three.

As we held you, we knew it was all meant to be.

My indomitable dad

It was Tuesday, May 26, 2020. Clayton and I had plans to babysit our toddler nephew Archer while his parents went to the gender reveal ultrasound of their next baby.

As we were getting ready to go, I got a text from my sister Melanie, informing me that our dad had been in an accident earlier that day and that our brother Graig, his wife, and a close friend were missing. (They went camping for Memorial Day weekend and weren't answering their phones for a while. Within hours, we figured out they weren't actually missing and everything was okay.)

It was a shock. Initially, I was more worried about Graig. I knew my mom and Aunt Connie were with my dad in the hospital, and that was a big comfort. I felt peace and knew he would be okay.

Looking back, maybe that's why I was surprised when he ended up losing his left leg. When I received the impression that everything would be okay, I think I assumed that life would go back to exactly the way it was before.

I knew from the text updates I was getting from Aunt Connie that Dad's accident was serious. In that initial emergency surgery, he lost all the blood in his body at least twice. But I didn't really understand how serious his injuries really were until I saw him on the hospital grounds.

Due to COVID-19 restrictions, he was only allowed two visitors (who were Mom and Aunt Connie), so we didn't get to see him for weeks. Because we didn't get to see him for a while, I was somewhat insulated from the severity of his pain and the challenges he faced while recovering (like MRSA). It enabled me to pretend that he wasn't as badly hurt as he was.

When I finally did see him on June 12, I was a little shocked at how pale and thin he looked. His skin was tissue paper soft.

Still, I held out hope that Dad would make a complete recovery. He was my dad, after all. Invincible. Indomitable.

It was another shock when my mom called later that day to say she and Dad were seriously considering amputation. Clayton and I were on our way to a peaceful, remote reservoir for an overnight camping trip. My first reaction was, "What? But everything was supposed to be okay!"

My next thoughts were, "Mom says she and Dad have prayed about this and they feel it's the right decision. I trust them. I'll support them."

As I had those thoughts that night in the campground, I again felt peace wash over me. And I realized that even though our lives--especially my parents'--weren't ever going to be the same as before Dad's accident, everything would still be okay.

My dad may not be invincible physically. But he is indomitable. His reaction to becoming an amputee, and his frank forgiveness of the driver who hit him, continue to amaze and inspire me. And I'm not alone; I'm positive that he inspires many other people too. As does my mom, who has shown incredible faith and resilience throughout this entire trial. I'm a lucky daughter.

"You don't have to give them back"

Clayton was ready to start having children right from the beginning of our marriage. Ironically, I thought I would be ready... until the time actually came. Then, suddenly, I could think of all sorts of reasons to wait. The biggest thing that held me back was fear. Fear of pregnancy, of childbirth, and of child-raising. I felt so inadequate.

Heavenly Father had the perfect plan for me, though. My first assignment in our new church congregation in Orem was to teach the three-year-olds on Sunday with Clayton, and we had a darling group of kids. The following year I was asked to move up with my class, and I spent the next two years teaching adorable, excitable four-year-olds.

I enjoyed teaching the kids, but it was always a bit of a relief when their parents came to pick them up.

At the same time, I was experiencing the aunt life. When we first got married, Clayton had two nieces and four nephews -- a recipe for "instant aunt." Two of those nephews lived close by. They're darling but super energetic, and as a result, family dinners were usually lively and fun, but super tiring at the same time.

Again, I enjoyed playing with our nephews, but I left most of the running to Clayton and it was always a bit of a relief to go home to our quiet apartment. I often thought how nice it was to be able to give our nephews back after a while.

Long story short, my short, regular interactions with these cute groups of kids gradually helped me overcome my fears and take the leap of faith required to start trying to get pregnant.

Fast forward to this year. Clayton and I had just moved to Reno in November 2020. The sister missionaries were at our house for dinner one night and we got to talking about kids. (I was very pregnant at the time.) One of the sisters had nieces and nephews, and recited something her sister had told her about being a mom: "The best part is, you don't have to give them back."

That phrase really hit me. It touched on one of my lingering fears about having a child -- that Clayton and I wouldn't be able to give him back to his parents when we were tired or when he got fussy because we would be his parents. I didn't know how to address that fear other than to trust that God knew what He was doing, and that He would help me through the hard times.

But now Will is here. And I'm beginning to understand why not having to give them back is a good thing. Just look at that face. You wouldn't want to give that back, either!

Of course, there have already been times when I've wanted a break. Clayton is really good about spotting me in those times -- changing a diaper or bottle feeding Will so I can nap, or taking a turn holding Will when he's fussy. Also, grandparents are angels straight from heaven.

When I see Will smile, though, it's all worth it.

Blessed Beyond Measure: Friend Edition

One of the service prompts for the Light the World initiative this year was to post on social media about an influential friend or friends. I'm not on social media very often, but it occurred to me recently that I could post here!

I wouldn't be able to pick just one friend to highlight. I am blessed to have many good friends, several of whom I've known since childhood. I intend to name a few (and hopefully I can keep it to just a few, or this post would go on forever!). :)

I'm grateful for Kiera, who's been one of my best friends since kindergarten. She was and continues to be a powerful spiritual influence on my life -- in addition to being a whole lot of fun! Kiera's example and observations were so influential in helping me start to recognize the voice of the Spirit. I'm grateful for her spiritual sensitivity and also for her bottomless well of forgiveness in the times I wasn't the greatest friend.

I'm grateful for Summer, who became a good friend the first year Kiera and I weren't in the same school class. We became a trio, and I so appreciate her kindness and love.

I'm grateful for Sara, K.T., and Mikayla, who are still some of my best friends! Elementary school wouldn't have been the same without them. I love their creativity, kindness, and genuine goodness. All three of them are the kind of people who just want to do the right thing, and the world is better for it.

I'm grateful for Andrea, Ana, Ashley, Lauren, Mandy, Bree, Jenny, Belle, Aubrey, Joe, Ryan, Connor, and all my other high school friends! We may not be in contact as often as we used to be, but they truly made my high school years happy ones, and I'm better for it. I'm also grateful for Kiera's sister Whitney, who I became much closer to during and after high school (once I started growing out of the "I'm older than you so we can't hang out" phase).

Thank goodness for Jill, Mara, Holly, Lynette, Kelly, Sketti, Ary, and Katelyn. Again, we're not in contact as often as we used to be, but they were the best roommates I could have asked for!

Jennifer deserves her own paragraph. Before Jennifer moved into our apartment, I was surviving on cereal, bagels, croutons, and rice. We bonded over food and Korean dramas and never looked back. To this day, she is my "best California friend"! One of the happiest days of my life was attending her wedding to a great, worthy man. She is such a caring, intelligent, thoughtful person and I'm blessed to know her.

I also have many friends whom I met outside of school. Mission friends, the Draper family in California, Francie, Provo Temple baptistry friends and the Yarwood family in Utah are some examples. I connected with the Drapers through music. I connected with Michelle through food and Primary teaching. I love both their families so much.

There are many other people who have touched my life, and I hope to make many more friends as the journey continues. Friends help make life grand. Especially when you're as lucky in your friendships as I am. I wish everyone could have even just one true friend.

The Triangle of Faith

It's the first Sunday of May. Traditionally in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the first Sunday of every month is fast and testimony meeting.

For the fasting part, church members are basically invited to skip two meals and donate what they would have spent to the poor and needy. It's a good opportunity to pray for divine inspiration or help. It's also a private, personal experience and nobody is going to ask you if you did it.

Conversely, testimony meeting is public. During the first hour of church, members are invited to share their thoughts and feelings, or "testimonies," of Jesus Christ. Anyone can walk up to the microphone at the front of the room and share.

Recently, all church meetings have been canceled due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Clayton and I hold our own meetings at home.

I felt the desire to share my testimony today. It's different writing it down instead of talking about it, but that's okay. I've sometimes thought it's easier to express myself in writing anyway.

This week I was reading an article in Ensign magazine that mentioned the "triangle of faith." The author explains the points in the triangle as 1) the Spirit, 2) the scriptures, and 3) the prophets, "especially living ones." A triangle is a strong shape, and working on our personal triangle of faith helps keep us spiritually strong. (Benjamin Hyrum White, "Sherem's Skepticism: The Tactics of a Faith Shaker," Ensign, April 2020)

The triangle of faith imagery appealed to me. But I adapted it a little because I feel the scriptures and the prophets are sort of the same. After all, what are scriptures but the words of prophets written down? To me, it makes more sense for the points in the triangle to be prayer, scriptures (including the words of living prophets), and the Spirit.

As I thought about my personal triangle of faith, I realized that each point has played a significant role in my own relationship with God.

Prayer
I first began to be aware of God at a young age. My parents taught me to pray and took me to Church. I had numerous experiences as a child praying for God's help. Sometimes I was praying for help finding something I'd lost; other times I prayed for help going back to sleep after a bad dream. One time when I was 12 or 13, I remember my bishop asking me how often I prayed and I replied, "Pretty much all the time. I need a lot of help." (If only 12-year-old me knew how much help 27-year-old me was going to need. Nothing has changed, haha.)

These experiences going to a loving Heavenly Father in prayer became a crucial part of the foundation of my relationship with Him.

Scriptures (words of God's prophets, including living ones)
The scriptures, particularly the Book of Mormon, also played a huge role in helping me form a relationship with God. I read it by myself for the first time in 2005, when President Gordon B. Hinckley challenged all church members to read it all the way through by the end of the year.

I've had questions and doubts over the years about certain aspects of the gospel, but there's always one thing I cannot deny: I know the Book of Mormon came from God. I've read it numerous times and prayed to know the truth about its origins. Every time I read it, I feel the Spirit. And the Book of Mormon played such a central role in the formation of my particular religion that if it's true, so is everything else: Joseph Smith was actually a prophet of God, and this is Jesus Christ's New Testament church restored to Earth.

That thought has brought me a lot of peace. I may not understand everything perfectly, but I do know the Book of Mormon is true, which means at least I'm looking for answers in the right place.

The Spirit
Of course, the Spirit is the key to anyone's relationship with God. He often acts as a messenger from God, and one of his many responsibilities is to testify of truth.

The Spirit is sort of like the glue that holds my testimony together; it's how I know the Book of Mormon is true and there is a living prophet of God today. When I pray, the answers or comfort I seek typically come from the Spirit.

I've written about how my testimony has been fundamentally shaped by the Spirit before, and I don't plan to go into it all again. Suffice it to say, I agree with President Harold B. Lee when he said the witness of the Holy Spirit is more powerful than any physical witness humankind could have that there is a loving God in heaven; a Heavenly Father who cares about us and wants us to be happy.

Everyone feels the Spirit differently. For me, I know something is true when it just makes sense; there's just a feeling that it's right. I sometimes also get a tingling warm feeling confirming that it's right.

One of the best things about God is He is no respecter of persons. That means that no matter who you are, He loves you and He will make Himself and His will known to you if you sincerely seek for it. It doesn't always come right away---actually in my experience, it almost never comes right away. God likes it when we take a few actions on our own because that demonstrates our willingness to believe in Him and trust Him. But in His perfect timing, He will eventually answer you. I know because it happened to me.

Because life is hard and inevitably wears me down, I have to continually seek Him through prayer, the scriptures, and the Spirit. I have to remember the experiences I've had with Him in the past as well as have new ones. I think that's the key to keeping our triangle of faith---and our relationship with God---strong.

"Be of Good Cheer"

I teach the four-year-olds at church.

I didn't always love it---trying to teach a bunch of little kids can be like herding cats sometimes---but I've learned that I can be a good teacher even if I don't get through my whole lesson. My most important job is to help these kids feel the love of their Savior, Jesus Christ.

Sometimes that means sitting in a circle telling stories of Jesus. Other times, it means listening to a child talk about how she fell off her bike that week and banged her knee. And there are times it means folding six paper airplanes and having an airplane-throwing contest.

Usually, it means doing a bit of all three.

Today I was supposed to teach about Paul the Apostle's journey to Rome. The lesson manual suggested several excellent principles I could share with the class. There's the fact Paul was a faithful missionary despite being thrown in jail for teaching about Jesus; Jesus' visit to Paul in jail to comfort him; Paul's warning to the Roman centurion not to try sailing to Rome at the late time of year and, when the centurion cast off anyway, the resulting shipwreck; Paul's subsequent instructions to the centurion and soldiers to get everyone to safety and how the Romans' obedience saved their lives.

My normal tactic is to prepare a story or activity about every principle recommended by the manual. But today, I felt impressed to focus only on one: Jesus' visit to Paul.

It's interesting to note that Paul had already suffered many trials while preaching of Jesus. He had been stoned, beaten and imprisoned. Up until this point, each time Paul entered into dangerous circumstances he was delivered in some way. In other words, God took him out of the dangerous circumstance.

But this time was different. When Paul made the decision to return to Jerusalem, he seemed to know his days of freedom were numbered. If I understand correctly, Paul remained in Roman custody until his execution around 64 A.D.

This time, Paul wasn't going to be delivered from danger. Instead, his role was to testify of Jesus Christ in Rome, just as he had testified in many other places. While he was imprisoned in Jerusalem, Jesus visited him during the night. He told Paul, "Be of good cheer, Paul: for as thou hast testified of me in Jerusalem, so must thou bear witness also at Rome." (Acts 23:11)

That phrase, "Be of good cheer," stuck in my mind. I realized I'd read it multiple times in the scriptures:

• When Jesus healed a man sick of the palsy, He said: "Son, be of good cheer; thy sins be forgiven thee. ... Arise, take up thy bed, and go unto thine house." (Matthew 9:2 and 6)
• When Jesus walked on water, He said: "Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid." (Matthew 14:27)
• When Jesus was explaining to His apostles that He was about to die, He said: "In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)
• When Nephi (of Third Nephi) was praying the night before all the Christians were scheduled to be executed by the unbelievers, Jesus told him: "Lift up your head and be of good cheer; for behold, the time is at hand, and on this night shall the sign be given, and on the morrow come I into the world, to show unto the world that I will fulfill all that which I have caused to be spoken by the mouth of my holy prophets." (3 Nephi 1:13)
• In 1831, when missionaries were called to preach the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, Jesus told them, "And now, verily I say unto you, and what I say unto one I say unto all, be of good cheer, little children; for I am in your midst, and I have not forsaken you." (D&C 61:36)
• In 1832, when Joseph Smith was praying about how to run certain affairs in the church, Jesus told him, "Be of good cheer, for I will lead you along." (D&C 78:18)

I felt I needed to focus on those words in my class, so I put information about each "Be of good cheer" story into a bag and had each child pick a paper one by one. I summarized each story and had the children say the words "Be of good cheer" with me. They seemed to like holding up their pictures of smiley faces and saying, "Be of good cheer!"

I love being with those little kids. They help me to be of good cheer, with their happy smiles, energy, and cute comments.

There are hard things in the world. There's a lot of confusion and sometimes even willful rebellion. But even when things seem dark, we can remember the gospel of Jesus Christ and be of good cheer. As Jesus told the Nephites when He visited them as our resurrected Savior:

Behold I have given unto you my gospel, and this is the gospel which I have given unto you—that I came into the world to do the will of my Father, because my Father sent me.

And my Father sent me that I might be lifted up upon the cross; and after that I had been lifted up upon the cross, that I might draw all men unto me ... 

Verily, verily, I say unto you, this is my gospel; and ye know the things that ye must do in my church; for the works which ye have seen me do that shall ye also do; for that which ye have seen me do even that shall ye do;

Therefore, if ye do these things blessed are ye, for ye shall be lifted up at the last day.

--- 3 Nephi 27:13-14, 21-22